Phoenix

You stop to take my hand when I falter.

You unravel me from a thousand knotted strings.

You take me from doubt and suspicion

Into a world of violins and good intentions.

The pitter-patters of tears gone past

Have eased my soul into apparitions of yours.

I become the center of the universe

Shining like a star,

Riding on a ray of sunlight.

I find joy in mellow lullabies

And my spirit in a hundred rainy days.

Just when i thought I was broken

From pieces of unspoken conversation,

You make me soar like a feather in the wind.

Wraith

I open my eyes in the dark

My heart beats like a drum in my ears.  

My breathing is fast and shallow

Fear grips me by the throat with its iron fist

I couldn't move my arms nor my legs

My head is held down by something, I know not

I couldn't breathe  

For my chest is heavy

Someone is pushing me down

Pain sears down my legs

I am burning

Burning

Someone is whispering

Whispering

Chanting

Chanting a prayer

Louder and louder it chants

Until it becomes a deafening scream in my ears

My eyes dart back and forth in the dark

I am enveloped in a cloud of pure panic

A shadow stands by the foot of my bed

I try to ask, Is someone there?

But I find my voice would not speak.

060808

Since childhood, I have kept it to myself, scared to death of being called a freak.  But I have found the courage to tell everyone today my dirty little secret.

I see dead people.

Well, I thought I did.  Because of this, I still sleep with the lights on.  Yeah yeah, I'm a big loser, I know.  However, after my most recent and worst episode to date, I decided to look for a logical and scientific explanation to my problem.  I logged onto the Triple W.  I Googled and hopped from one link to another.  And then I found the answer.

I have sleep paralysis disorder.

Only those with the same disorder can understand how hard it is to cope with such an ailment.

And so for all those who could be having the same problem as I do, I'm posting this article for your benefit, with this very comforting message:  You are not alone.

Sleep Paralysis (SP) is a common medical condition. The symptoms can sometimes include complete to partial paralysis of arms, legs and upper torso, a tight or heavy pressure on your chest sometimes with a choking sensation and almost always experienced as you are about to fall into sleep or just come out of sleep.

The most remarkable symptoms of SP are the accompanying audio and/or visual hallucinations often causing extreme terror and panic in it's sufferers, who more often than not mistakenly believe they are being visited by aliens, malevolent beings and other evil presences.

Research shows that SP is linked with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. When in REM sleep you are usually dreaming, your body does not act out your dreams as you will hurt either yourself, or someone else, so evolution has worked its merry little way of getting your brain to switch off your muscles (so to speak) and relax you while dreaming, essentially paralyzing you to a degree.

The cause for a state of SP is when your mind wakes up, usually still in a semi-REM state, but your body is still relaxed and semi paralyzed, bringing on a the sometimes horrifying sensation of being paralyzed while still in a semi-dream state yet awake. The consequences of this state are usually nothing short of terrifying to individuals with their dreams suddenly becoming reality as they are trapped in an inbetween sate of consciousness. The usual result is panic to try to release oneself while sleep creeps around your brain like a slow fog trying to drag you back down to it's depths again. 

Of a recent survey it is suggested that between 25-30% of the general population has suffered some form of SP with 95% of these experiencing a perceived horrifying event. It is now considered to be a common disorder among the population, but not many people admit to suffering SP. Yes, it does run in the family, if you have suffered an episode, chances are there's a member within your close family who has also experienced this. People often feel they are experiencing something paranormal with SP due to the bizarre symptoms and don't realize that they are in fact suffering from something many others have experienced with a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Of course there are many other symptoms besides the paralysis and hallucinations, sometimes including shooting pains in the arms, back, neck or head, paralysis of only one limb (partial paralysis), choking and suffocating feeling, pressure on other parts of the body such as back, neck, arms or legs the feeling of someone touching you, feelings of an evil presence behind or beside you, and sometimes squeezing or hugging around your body.

The term "perception" needs to be used in the case of SP, as the feelings of a presence are usually only perceived and not actually sighted in the majority of cases reported. The presences are in fact not real and only hallucinations induced by our brains in this dream state, you could say they are in fact a waking dream. An interesting fact is that in most cases nothing is actually ever seen, and only felt. A feeling of someone watching over, lurking about, walking around, but never actually sighted, and within these cases the feeling being of a dark humanoid figure or figures.

More commonly than the visual perceptions are the reports of audio hallucinations. These include scratching, laughing, scraping, buzzing, ringing, voices, radio music and other noises all seemingly very real. We now believe that many alien abduction cases have been merely suffering an episode of SP, let alone the amazing amount of cases reporting Evil presences and ghosts.

Solace in Company

Each day I grow a little older

And time crawls by slower than it should

I am blinded by the reality you painted

Because it's all I ever wanted to see.

I keep on trying and believing

Despite failing every time

Holding onto that slim chance

And faint glimmer of hope.

You pummel me to the ground

But despite my exhaustion, I stand tall

Only to fall back down again

Like the dust that rises

Before settling back on the earth

Every time you leave me standing

With everything to lose.

Over the Edge

A brush past destiny
Among treacherous rocks by the sea
I scratch my knee as I jump
From one jiggly stone to the other

I break down from exhaustion
Like an old steam engine at its final hour
While wave after wave of emotion
Ebbs like the tide at sea

I feel myself sink to the bottom
And touch the rocks that stand strong
Beneath the surface

I am drowning in my own tears
Caught up in a ripple of panic
Drifting onto the horizon
Of endless disbelief.

Lights 101

Passing lights leave when least expected to.
Trailing beams that never go away.
They haunt me, intoxicate me, abuse me until
I break into small pieces.
Sensations flowing in waves of perfect order and disorder.
Each minute that crawls by captures a moment of recollection.
Of days filled with cosmic satisfaction, love, hate, and everything in between.
The uppers and downers of life flow with it.
Like a drug, you hit me with different levels of oohs and ahhs.
But you push me to the edge of my patience.
Because drugs kill me with bluntness.
Bluntness?
Straight to my soul.
Like love but not quite like it.
Like lust but to a different degree.
Like passion that captures nothing.
Nothing?
An empty space filled with everything unsaid.
And undone.
Love & Hate wage wars that take me to the edge of my sanity and insanity.
Stand up, like a tired old man from a thousand battles.
Worn out from the pain.
But still could stand another thousand more.
Each step burns my shadow away.
Washed out by little soldiers of the pouring rain.
In tides of hope that bring us back to where we started…
Passing lights.
They leave when least expected to.

11072005

Puddles of Hope

I never knew leaves could dance.

I sipped at my coffee and stared at the bushes beside me. I was sitting alone at an isolated cafe, surrounded by a few items I just found the time to purchase.

It's weird how the end of something leaves us unnoticed. The moment just comes and passes us by, and leaves us a day or two too late of trying to stop it. Protest falls on deaf ears, and we are left spent and helpless, with nothing else to do but accept the confirmation of the fears we've always had for so long but never acknowledged.

But my heart has recovered from its exhaustion.

I lit a cigarette, dragged in a piece of air, and turned my thoughts back to the dancing bushes. Funny I never noticed them before. Nor have I, until now, ever given attention to how beautifully cigarette smoke floats lazily like a ribbon through the dark, or how the clinks of coffee cups sound so melodic even without a tune. Solace will always give us another perspective from the ones we are so used to have.

I tapped my finger against my cup and closed my eyes as a distant memory floated into my thoughts. He said I rocked his world with little earthquakes.

I couldn't bring myself to cry anymore, even if I wanted to. I've been wrung clean of all emotion except melancholic sadness. If there is any bitter consolation in losing someone, it would be the acceptance of knowing it was probably for the best. The only thing that reminds me to breathe ever morning when I wake up, is the hope of bigger and better things to come, and this strengthens my faith.

I took another swig of my coffee and noted how its warm liquid seemed to transform back into its bitter powder at the back of my tongue. It's the first time I ever noticed that too.

I heard a rumble of thunder and watched the street with fascination as the rain started and steadily grew stronger and stronger, until the pitter-patters drowned the rest of the world away. The smell of rain on concrete wafted into my nostrils and I took it all in one quick breath. Little puddles merged together on the sidewalk, and strangers running for shelter splashed through them, unknowingly getting themselves wetter in the process.

We used to run like that in the rain.

I stood up and walked to the curb. I felt the rain on my head, slowly drenching me in its sweet dampness. It felt sadly different.

I gave it my best, but my best was never good enough.

Again, I was left standing with everything to lose.

I turned my head up and watched the rain fall towards my face as if in slow motion, with its drops gradually becoming bigger and bigger until it hit my face again and again like fingers tapping on a wooden table. I embraced my self in the rain and I became one of the strangers, splashing into puddles and walking into the rain before me. I picked up my pace and broke into a run, with arms wide open as if I could catch the wind. The puddles flowed into rivers as I ran without fear of slipping. My shoes were muddied, but when were they ever not?

You laughed at me for being different. Now I laugh at you for being the same.

Fausse Reconnaissance

There is an urge in each of us that searches for that familiar sense of belonging. We try so hard to find it and we keep our eyes wide open for every chance and every opportunity, sometimes even imagining finding it in people we long to find it with.

How do we know when it's real? If we lose it, does it mean it never was ours?
We're all barely halfway past making sense of ourselves, how do we find the capacity to make sense of these mechanics?

Perhaps we are but mere threads in that mesh called life, but eventually we find the knot that holds us to that web...after recognizing the fact that the very rope we desperately search and grope for, is that same rope that is pulling us to to safety, and not the one that hangs us by the neck.

01052006

Tropical Mornings

I bubble at the mouth and you laugh.

You lick off each piece of meat from every fishbone and I watch in avid curiosity.
You catch me off guard as you pick off every remnant.
No one else could have done it as beautifully.

You draw me closer like a hopeless moth to a flame.

You sip at your coffee, brown with a shot of milk.
You smile and I smile back, not really hearing what you're saying but watching how you say it.

I feel like what I keep seeing is an eighth of you.

I listen to the waves and the soft gentle breeze that ruffles your bedraggled hair.
I breathe in the scent of the sea and I taste the saltiness of this sweet moment.

What now, I know not.

For now, nothing matters but the sound of your voice, and the way your laughter melts everything else away.

12292006

Empty

An angel, once upon a time
Who journeyed a long and devastating fall
My soul trails behind and I lose myself
I am but a whisper of an echo
Of nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.

01052006

Idle Thoughts

They reach out with hands soaked in mud and hearts forever yearning for the shelter they have never known, hoping against hope that someone would find the courage to look straight into their eyes and acknowledge their existence. We pretend to be oblivious to the faces that peer hungrily at us. We look forward, afraid that turning to look will strike a chord of guilt that may consume us. We wash our hands clean of what has permanently tainted our souls with the indifference we use as our masks to cover the ugliness that lies beneath.

What names were they were born with? Where are their loved ones, and why do they search the streets desperately, remaining hopeful of salvation? Why do they feast on the treasures that we have disposed of, and how can they stomach it when others feast on their flesh?

We carry on with our lives as if we know nothing. We pretend to be blind, deaf and unable to defend their cause. We believe that remaining idle is a neutral act that does not result to further damage. But nothing can repair the shattered glass on the floor of their broken dreams.