Estella

For what is it to die

But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?

~ Kahlil Gibran, from "The Prophet"

Four years ago, I decided to change the world. I was aware of the possibility that I might not be big enough to do it, but I thought, maybe making the least bit of difference would matter nevertheless. Funny enough, being a doctor changed me more than I did the world.

Her name was Estella. She was 88 years old, with fine wrinkles on her face, and hands with skin that felt like leather but with a touch as gentle as cotton whenever she took my hand.

She gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to wait for an inevitability that spoke of emptiness. We all knew that she was terminal. Her diseased lung conquered her health as well as her faith. I asked her what she thought about life after death. When she blankly replied, "There is nothing there", I thought she was the bravest person I have ever met.

Who invented the concept of an Afterlife? Did people create that idea because of the inability to accept that the End is, indeed, the end? How does one imagine the World without Oneself? How do our thoughts, emotions and entire existence disappear without a trace, but in the minds of those who remember that we once lived? Does it hurt to realize that one day, we will be forgotten?

A few days after I met Estella, her condition deteriorated abruptly. She was placed on a respirator, and her children decided to let her go. We were instructed not to resuscitate her once her heart stops.

One Sunday afternoon, I held her hand and asked her if she was afraid. She just looked at me. The fear in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. All I could do was squeeze her hand.

During her last moments, right before the cardiac monitor showed a flat line, she looked at me and took my hand in hers, as if I was the one who needed some form of assurance . She looked at me and nodded, not with fear in her eyes now, but with acceptance. Her gaze turned empty, her hand turned limp in mine, and she was gone.

Whatever her Afterlife may be, I was sure in that very moment. Estella may have passed away, but in my heart she will live until I find out mine.