Shummerwarma

Ramblings of a Perspiring, Dehydrated Person Having Nothin' Else Better To Do But to Take It Out on the Weather Forecast Department

I feel so lazy, if I were God, I would have rested the first day.

Summer is the best time of the year to go out and seize the day, search for yourself, find your inner child and all that bull. But we find ourselves staying in and/or sleeping through it, drowning in pools of our own sweat (possibly even tears), and aborting that inner child just to avoid actual muscle contraction and physical exertion.

Rejecting three invitations to have coffee in the mid-afternoon heat (ARE THEY LOCO!?), I adjusted the airconditioning unit shutter and melted onto the floor before it. For a moment, in that cold, Freon-filled blast of artificial yet oh-so-refreshing air, I dared not move a muscle. Any calorie spent would mean a certain amount of energy consumed and heat released into the atmosphere of our very own living room. And I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, allow that to happen. Some famous person said there are only two levers that motivate action: interest and fear. In my case, it would be a bathtub filled with buckets of Ice Monsters. Sheesh, I can cook an egg on my palm, for crying out loud (an ostrich one, at that).

It's been one of the hottest weathers ever to be documented in our country's history, and they say it's yet to be even hotter by the end of the month. Great. Why, oh, why, did humankind not heed the warnings over the consequences of global warming? I mean, who cares about the next generation? Evolution can handle them. They can evolve into thick-skinned, UV-resistant, metal-clothed people, but what about MY generation that's suffering from heat stroke? If I ever see an act or demonstration of environmental abuse--even as much as a friend singlehandedly raising the earth's temperature by burning the plastic seal off a cigarette box just to open it--I'd strangle him and risk getting jailed for something-degree murder. I could always plea for temporary insanity due to extreme environmentalism and overprotection of the ozone layer.

The weather forecast is like a fortune teller. It plays safe, choosing a temperature range so wide that it's impossible for the right value not to be in it. I flipped the Philippine Daily Inquirer open with sweaty hands that smeared some of the ink on a few articles. 26-37 degrees Celsius, it said. Ha! I just bet the weather people were just too sweaty and lazy to stand up and check their thermometers. That's playin' it safe, alright.

I can't believe we actually PAY the government to finance PAGASA. They're nothing but another bunch of lazy, retarded, lying government employees eating up an unnoticeable but still significant part of the taxes we pay for their salaries. Do I even charge PAGASA for that space it occupies in my heart?

As far as I know, any predictions made that turned out right were mere coincidences. How many lies can be told before you get to be called a liar? Because in my opinion, instead of wasting and whiling away their precious time down at PAGASA, they should probably invent a robot instead that could save them from their sins.

Man, I can do the country a favor and work for PAGASA. Hell yeah, I can even be PAGASA. I'll work pro bono. Seriously. No charge at all. And I won't even need any of that highly technical equipment and meteorological shit they use, so the government can spend the money on something else that would save our country a whole lotta good (such as paying the World Bank, getting people off the streets, or eradicating noontime 3-hour local variety TV shows)...

Weather Forecast for Tomorrow: Skies will be partly cloudy with isolated acid rainshowers. Winds will be light or practically nonexistent, blowing from somewhere to another place away from you. Temperature range will be 30-40 degrees Celsius.

No payment needed for that.


by Natalie Casuela
05142005-0715p